"Finding Myself Between Two Cultures"
Xiao A · London · 10 sessions · 5 months
📋Background
Xiao A is a female master's student in Education studying in London. When she found me, she said: "I don't know who I am anymore."
Back in China, Xiao A was a "model good student" — excellent grades, compliant, following her parents' expectations all the way to graduate studies in the UK. But after arriving in London, she began feeling unprecedented confusion.
"I discovered I don't know what I like, what I want. Before, my parents arranged everything and I just executed. Now there's no one telling me what to do, and I can't do anything."
A deeper confusion came from identity: when she went back to China to visit, she found it hard to chat with old friends — "they don't get my jokes, and they're not interested in what I'm saying." In the UK, language and cultural barriers made it equally hard to truly integrate with locals.
"I'm neither fully Chinese nor British. Who am I actually?"
Assessment found that Xiao A's core issue was delayed development of "ego identity" — at an age when she needed to develop an independent sense of self, she had been constantly meeting others' expectations without opportunity to explore the question "who am I."
🔄Process
Our work together lasted five months, using an integrative approach combining CBT, existentialist psychotherapy, and narrative therapy.
Phase 1 (Sessions 1-3): Safe Space and Story Reframing
Xiao A broke down in tears several times while describing her confusion. She felt "like a failure" — at this stage of life, still not knowing what she wanted, unlike other students who seemed to have "clear goals."
I helped her reframe: she wasn't "failing" — she had been so well protected that she never had the chance to develop the muscles for independent decision-making. This was a developmental task she needed to catch up on, not a personality flaw.
The existentialist perspective also helped her understand: "not knowing who I am" is actually a question every person who takes life seriously will face — not because she "has a problem."
Phase 2 (Sessions 4-7): Exploring "Who Am I"
We used the "externalisation" technique from narrative therapy to separate "identity confusion" from her "self":
"Suppose your 'identity confusion' is an external being with its own name and personality. What do you think it looks like? When is it strongest? When is it quieter?"
Xiao A said her identity confusion looked like "a person in heavy armour, standing at a crossroads, not knowing which way to go."
Then we explored together: what does she genuinely like? When does she feel alive? What is the most accomplished thing she has ever done?
Through these explorations, she discovered she actually had some vague "longings": she cared about educational equity, enjoyed helping others learn new things, hoped to work in education policy in the future. These "longings" had been buried under the judgment of "what I should become" and never been acknowledged.
Phase 3 (Sessions 8-10): Integration and Action
The integration phase aimed to help Xiao A accept both cultural identities as parts of "herself," not an either/or choice.
We discussed the concept of "cultural hybridity": people living between two cultures are not "failures at both" but people occupying a "third space" with unique perspectives and capabilities.
Action plan: - She signed up for an education equity volunteer project, first time feeling "this is meaningful" - Started writing a weekly "my thoughts" journal, no longer suppressing her views - Had several difficult conversations with her parents, expressing her passion for educational work and future plans
Homework and Between-Session Work
After each session, I assigned Xiao A some "self-exploration" homework: try something new and record feelings, make a list of "if I had no restrictions, I would want to do...", have an in-depth conversation with a classmate from a different background.
✨Outcomes
By the end of ten sessions, Xiao A said she felt "much lighter."
The biggest change: she no longer felt she "had to choose between the two cultures," but accepted "I am a person with a dual cultural background, and that makes me unique and complete."
She also found her passion: educational equity. She said: "Now I know which direction I want to head — I'm not completely certain where the destination is yet, but at least I'm no longer standing still."
At the end of our final session, she wrote me a letter (she insisted on reading it aloud to me). The last line: "Thank you for helping me find my way home — not back to China or Britain, but back to myself."
💬Counsellor's Note
Xiao A's story reminded me again: many international students' "identity confusion" is actually not a "cultural difference" issue, but a "self-development" issue.
Children raised in cultures that emphasise "obedience" and "compliance" often lack opportunities to explore themselves. When studying abroad suddenly throws them into an environment requiring independent choices, this issue surfaces painfully.
But pain can also be a gateway to growth. When Xiao A finally allowed herself to ask "what do I want" rather than "who should I become," she found something more powerful than any "right answer": an authentically her own voice.
Note: All case studies are published with written consent from clients. Identifying information has been anonymised. This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or psychological counselling advice.
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