Stories from the Counseling Room: I Learned to Share Only Good News, Not Bad

An international student told me that she learned to share only good news, not bad.

She said:

「I only tell them good things, like 'I got an A,' 'I made friends,' 'I went to eat something delicious.'」

「But I won't say 'I cried for a long time that day,' 'I ate alone,' 'I can't hold on anymore.'」

「Because I'm afraid they'll worry, afraid they'll say 'Is it because you didn't try hard enough.'」

「So I learned to only say good things.」

She said:

「One time during finals week I was exhausted, writing my essay until 3 a.m., and I had a breakdown.」

「But the next day my mom asked 'How have you been lately,' and I said 'Pretty good, I turned in my essay.'」

「I only said 'I turned in my essay,' not 'I wrote until I broke down.'」

「Because if I told them, they would worry, and then ask 'Is it because you didn't manage your time well.'」

「I didn't want to hear that, so I just said 'Pretty good.'」

A boy told me:

「I share only good news, not bad, because I know they can't help.」

「I say 'I've been really tired lately,' they say 'Get some good rest.'」

「But my tiredness isn't something 'get some good rest' can fix.」

「So I choose not to say anything, just say 'Pretty good.'」

「Because saying it is useless, so I might as well not say it.」

He said:

「One time I told them 'I've been under a lot of pressure lately.'」

「They said 'Don't overthink it, get some good rest.'」

「Then I asked 'What do you think I should do.'」

「They said 'Adjust your mindset.'」

「In that moment, I was numb.」

「I don't know what 'adjust your mindset' means.」

「I only know I'm under a lot of pressure, but they seem unable to understand.」

「So I never bring it up again.」

「I just say 'Pretty good,' so they don't worry.」

A girl told me:

「Sometimes I really want to tell them the truth, but I'm afraid they won't understand.」

「I'm afraid if I say 'I can't hold on anymore,' they'll say 'Is it because you didn't try hard enough.'」

「I'm afraid if I say 'I've been really tired lately,' they'll say 'Don't overthink it.'」

「So I learned to share only good news, not bad.」

「I say 'I got an A,' and they're happy.」

「But I don't say 'That day I cried for a long time.'」

「Because even if I say it, they won't understand.」

She said:

「Sometimes I feel like I'm being fake.」

「I only say good things, letting them think I'm doing well.」

「But actually, a lot of the time I can't hold on anymore.」

「But I don't want them to know.」

「Because knowing is useless, they can't help.」

「So I choose to hold on alone.」

Many parents judge that "the child is doing well" through the child "sharing good news."

"The child often says good things, so there shouldn't be any problems."

But the child may have just learned "not to share the bad."

He may have gotten an A, but had a breakdown that day, he just didn't say it.

He may have made friends, but actually spends a lot of time alone, he just didn't say it.

He may have gone to fun places, but his heart feels empty, he just didn't say it.

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I really want to share the bad, but I know there's no point in saying it.」

「I say 'I can't hold on anymore,' they say 'Just hang in there.'」

「But my 'I can't hold on anymore' isn't something 'just hang in there' can fix.」

「So I choose not to say anything.」

「I just say 'Pretty good.'」

「Because even if I say it, they won't understand, and it will only make me more tired.」

If you are a parent, perhaps you can think this way:

A child "sharing only good news, not bad" may not mean they are doing well; it may mean they are afraid you will worry.

Maybe you can ask: "You've told me all the good things, but is there anything not so good?"

"I just want to listen, not to worry."

"If you're willing to talk, I'll listen. If you don't want to talk, that's okay too."

Give the child a space where they can choose to speak, or choose not to speak.

Rather than having to pretend "I'm fine" every time.

I am in Manchester, specializing in counseling for international students.

If you want to chat, you can private message me.