Stories from the Counseling Room: Every Time I Spend Money, I Feel Like I'm Committing a Crime

An international student told me that every time she spends money, she's doing mental math in her head.

I asked her what she was calculating, and she said:

「I'm calculating how many hours my parents have to work for this meal.」

She said:

「They always say 'don't be too frugal, spend when you need to.'」

「But every time we video call and they ask 'do you have enough money,' I know they're doing the math too.」

「I hesitate for a long time before buying a piece of clothing, not because I don't have money, but because I feel like 'I don't deserve this.'」

She told me about a time she spent £25 on a brunch, took a photo, and posted it on social media.

After posting, she regretted it and deleted it.

「Because I felt like those £25 represented hours of their work.」

「And here I was, having brunch and taking photos, like I had no gratitude.」

She told me the hardest part wasn't not having money.

It was that feeling of "spending money is a sin."

「Sometimes I feel so fake.」

「I'm clearly spending money, but I have to pretend 'I'm being very frugal.'」

「Because I know, if they saw how I was spending, they'd say 'you're actually doing quite well.'」

「And then I wouldn't be able to complain about being tired anymore.」

She told me about a time her mom saw her room during a video call and said:

「You live pretty well.」

「That moment broke me.」

「Because my mom didn't know, to afford this room, I was calculating every day whether it was 'worth it.'」

「I live alone, my 100th day of cooking for one, and sometimes I really want to talk to someone, but there's no one here.」

She told me:

「I know they worked hard for this money.」

「So whenever I spend, I keep thinking about them.」

「It's not about the money, it's about the guilt.」

「I feel like every time I spend, I'm betraying them.」

Many parents say "don't feel pressured, spend what you need."

But what the child hears is something else entirely:

"We're spending money on you, so you need to work hard."

"Every dollar you spend is our hard work."

That guilt isn't about money.

It's the child feeling like they're not good enough, and don't deserve to spend this money.

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I'll deliberately buy cheaper things, then tell them 'look, I saved money.'」

「Actually I'm not trying to save money, I just want them to think 'I'm so sensible.'」

「Because I know, if I spend too much, they'll worry, and then I'll feel guilty.」

「So I learned to stop telling them about my purchases.」

「But every time I spend, I'm still doing the math in my head.」

If you're a parent, maybe try asking your child:

"Do you ever feel pressured when you spend money?"

The answer might break your heart.

If you're an international student, maybe remind yourself:

Spending money isn't a crime. You deserve to be treated kindly.

I'm based in Manchester, and I specialize in counseling for international students.

If you'd like to talk, feel free to send me a private message.