Stories from the Counseling Room: I'm Afraid to Go Home for Break

An international student told me that he's afraid to go home for vacation.

It's not because he doesn't want to see his parents. It's because going home means having to face a lot of questions.

He said:

「When I go home for break, they ask 'How have you been lately?' 'Are you keeping up with your studies?' 'Have you made any friends?'」

「I don't want to answer these questions.」

「Because I know that once I say 'not great,' they'll worry and keep pressing.」

「So I'd rather not go home, or if I do go, I'll pretend 'everything's fine.'」

He said:

「Once when I went home for break, my mom asked me 'How have you been lately?'」

「I said 'Pretty good.'」

「She said 'You look a bit tired.'」

「I said 'I'm fine.'」

「Then she started asking 'Is the coursework too hard?' 'Are you not getting enough rest?' 'Have you not made any friends?'」

「I didn't want to answer, but I couldn't not answer.」

「So I said 'Everything's fine.'」

「Then we sat in silence for a long time.」

「After that trip home, I didn't want to go back.」

A girl told me:

「I'm afraid to go home for break because going home means I have to 'act normal.'」

「I have to pretend 'I'm fine' 'I have lots of friends' 'My studies are going well.'」

「But the truth is, sometimes I can't hold it together anymore. I don't want to pretend.」

「But I know that if I show it, they'll worry.」

「So I choose not to go home.」

She said:

「Once when I went home for break, I was having a breakdown in my room.」

「My mom came in and said 'What's wrong with you?'」

「I said 'Nothing, just tired.'」

「She said 'Did something happen?'」

「I said 'No.'」

「Then she asked a bunch more questions.」

「Finally I said 'Really, nothing's wrong. I just want to be alone for a while.'」

「She left, but I knew she was worried outside the door.」

「After that day, I didn't want to go home again.」

「Because going home means I can't be by myself.」

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I really want to go home, but I don't want to go home for break.」

「Going home for break means having to face questions like 'How have you been lately?'」

「What I'm thinking about is a home where I can rest—not a home where I have to answer questions.」

「So sometimes I'd rather stay at school, alone, but not have to pretend.」

He said:

「Once during a break, I chose to stay at school.」

「My mom called and said 'Why aren't you coming home?'」

「I said 'I want to stay and work on my thesis here.'」

「Actually, I just didn't want to go back and face all those questions.」

「But I knew that if I said 'I don't want to come home,' they'd worry.」

「So I chose to stay here.」

「Alone.」

A lot of parents think "going home for break is normal."

"Why isn't the kid coming back? Is something going on at school?"

But for the kid, going home for break means having to "perform."

Having to pretend "I'm fine," having to answer a bunch of questions, having to face a lot of expectations.

And sometimes, they just want to rest.

Want to be alone, without pretending, without answering questions.

A girl told me:

「Sometimes I really want to go home, but I know that going home will be exhausting.」

「Not the travel—it's facing all those questions.」

「'How have you been lately?' 'Are you keeping up with your studies?' 'Have you made any friends?'」

「I don't want to answer, but I can't not answer.」

「So sometimes I'd rather not go home, be alone here.」

「Even though it's lonely, at least I don't have to pretend.」

If you're a parent, maybe you could think about it this way:

When your child "doesn't want to come home," it might not be that they don't want to see you.

It might be that they're afraid of facing all those questions, afraid of having to "perform."

Maybe you could ask: "Do you want to come home for break? If you say no, I can accept that—I just want to hear your thoughts."

Give your child the space to say "Actually, sometimes I don't want to come back, because when I come back I have to pretend I'm doing fine."

Instead of having to pretend every time "I want to come home."

I'm in Manchester, working specifically with international student counseling.

If you'd like to talk, feel free to message me.