Stories from the Counseling Room: Before Answering Video Calls, I Have to Fix My Expression First

An international student told me she's been increasingly reluctant to answer video calls from her parents.

It's not that she doesn't want to talk to her parents—it's that every call requires "preparation."

She said:

「Before the call, I have to fix my expression, practice saying "I'm doing pretty good."」

「I'm afraid they'll ask "how's everything going," because I don't know how to say "not great."」

「I'm afraid they'll say "you look exhausted," because I know they'll start worrying, and then I'll feel guilty.」

「I'm afraid of the silence, because it feels like we have less and less to talk about.」

She told me about a time when she'd just finished crying, and her mom suddenly called.

「I ran to the bathroom, washed my face, fixed my expression, then picked up and said "Hey Mom, I'm doing pretty good."」

「She said "You look a bit tired," and I said "I stayed up late yesterday."」

「Then we talked for 10 minutes, and hung up.」

She said:

「After we hung up, I actually felt more drained.」

「Because I had to spend time processing that conversation, processing the words "you look tired."」

「Then I'd think "Am I not doing well enough?" "Did I make them worry?"」

「So sometimes I'd rather not pick up at all.」

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I'll purposely not answer video calls.」

「Then a while later I'll text "in class" or "at the library."」

「Actually I just didn't want to fix my expression, didn't want to pretend.」

「But I know if I don't answer, they'll worry.」

「So in the end I always pick up, and say "I'm doing pretty good."」

He said:

「Sometimes I don't know what to say.」

「They ask "how's everything going," I say "doing pretty good."」

「Then silence.」

「It feels like we have less and less to talk about.」

「I don't know how to describe my life, and they wouldn't understand anyway.」

「So I learned to say "pretty good" "it's fine" "don't worry," and then wait for them to hang up.」

A girl told me:

「Sometimes I really want to tell them the truth.」

「But I don't know how.」

「I'm scared that if I say "I've been really exhausted lately" or "I'm kind of falling apart," they'll worry.」

「Then they'll ask "is the coursework too hard?" "did you not try hard enough?"」

「I'm afraid of those questions, so I learned not to say anything.」

She said:

「Once I really couldn't keep it together anymore, and I told my mom "I've been feeling kind of emo lately."」

「She said "don't overthink it, just get some rest."」

「And then I didn't know what to say.」

「Because "don't overthink it" made me feel like even being emo was wrong.」

「So I never brought it up again.」

A lot of parents feel like their kids "don't like answering calls" and "are getting more distant."

But for these kids, video calls are a kind of pressure.

They have to prepare the "I'm doing fine" version of themselves before they can answer that call.

They have to fix their expression, practice saying "I'm doing pretty good," and then wait for the call to end.

They might have been barely holding on for a while, but they're afraid to say it.

They might be exhausted, but can only pretend "I'm doing fine."

A boy told me:

「Sometimes I really want to tell them "I've been really exhausted lately."」

「But I know after I say it, they'll either worry or give advice.」

「But I don't want to be worried about, and I don't want advice either.」

「I just want someone to say "I know you're tired."」

「But I know they can't do that.」

「So I learned to not pick up, or if I do, just say "I'm doing pretty good."」

If you're a parent, maybe you could try a different approach:

Instead of asking "how's everything going," you could say "I think about you sometimes, but I'm not sure if you're too busy."

Give your child space to say "actually, I kind of miss home sometimes."

Instead of making them pretend "I'm doing fine" every single time.

I'm in Manchester, and I specialize in mental health counseling for international students.

If you'd like to talk, you can DM me.